“Confessions of a Jiggly Bitch”

It started out like any normal Friday afternoon.  I finished work early as I normally do on Fridays, so that I can pick the chitlans up from school.  I had a half hour to kill before pick up so I happily scurried in to my Trader Joes to pick up a few of my favorite wise choices.

When out of the corner of my eye, I spied this little pretty.

“Meet My Pretty Little Crack Pipe”

She had this beautiful pink cap on and the words “premium natural” and “sweetened light” across her chest.  I thought to myself oh I shouldn’t grab for her I know my weaknesses and this bitch is surely one of them.  But I had never seen this particular one before.  She looked so pretty and sweet and innocent enough all trimmed in her bright pink.

I tried to walk away even rounding the corner towards the Two Buck Chuck wine but she kept whispering my name. I was three steps from safety.  Just three tiny steps to check out.

The friendly Trader Joyer even greeting me warmly and sincerely, stepping into a brand new lane gesturing with her eyes “You over here, you don’t even have to wait – Your special”.  I pulled up and then the dreaded question, “Did you find everything alright”.  Oh damn it, shit, fuck,  I was so close. “Yes, I did….ohh you know what…I did forget something – uhmm just one sec”.  Cue the music from “Dirty Dancing”

I’m coming for you Baby.  I started at a quick walk and finished at a nice paced gallop.  I nabbed her perfectly chilled body and sprinted back to my sweet check out girl.  “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner”  Especially not this pretty little sweet thing.  Safe in my brown paper sack at last, it was off to the kids school.

I thought of her often in the very back of my SUV.  I thought I should have put her right here near me in the front seat.  But laughed at the thought of me trying to hit my crack pipe in the kids parking lot – while all the other moms stared on.  I’m not sure they have seen that one before!

Well we made it home, my daughter went home with a friend.  My son brought a friend home.  Perfect!  Just the distraction I needed. The boys would play out side and I could bust open my sweet  baby inside – with no audience.

Now come on you have got to know how this ends.  I mean no one builds up a fricken can of whipped cream this much and ends it well!  Unless of course it’s a 50 Shades of Grey reference.   I checked the back of her again for all the sordid details.  Two tablespoons, 15 calories, 1.5 g fat, 1 sugar.  Oh I so got this.  I’ll have a couple spoon fulls and end this madness.

WRONG!  Oh sweet Jesus – this Cabot creature did not lie!  This was pure heaven.  Sweet but not too sweet.  Creamy and light. I tried to put her down.  Even put her back in the fridge twice.  But let’s face it the Bitch had me at “Hello”.  She was going down.  All 33 servings of her! And I’ll tell you what – It didn’t take that long.

Today, a day later….I’m over her now!  I even had to pull her out of the trash so that I could get her stats again – and nothing!  I felt nothin’!

Hey I broke! But let me tell you she was worth it!  So bitches if you break and you will….Enjoy it!  It’s going to happen!  Go ahead and hit your crack pipe – whatever that may be.  You deserve it every once in a while.  The trick is when your off the crack your right back on track!

Don’t beat yourself up.  Pick yourself up and get after it like the true Jiggly Bitch that You are!  A Jiggly Bitch on a Mission! A Fine Ass Jiggly Bitch Kicking the YO – YO and unveiling her MOJO one day, one healthy step at a time. Sprinkled with a couple hits off the ol’ pipe.

With Love, Laughter & Good Health Ever After ~ Suzi


5 thoughts on ““Confessions of a Jiggly Bitch”

  1. Oh I LOL’ed a number of times. The “Dirty Dancing” music queued up in my head, and I was seeing you going for Baby in slow motion. She jumped and you caught her and placed her safely on the checkout counter, didn’t you?

    I SO understand the obsession. We have this bakery near us, and I call the little donut holes little pieces of fried crack. Once I drove past it to the corner, and damn there is a roundabout (you know — the intersections where you don’t have to stop, you just drive in a circle) and I kept going . . . around in a circle . . . until I was headed back toward the bakery. There is no way I could drive by twice. Just no way.

      • I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. You may find the details on my latest post. This is the post that did it. I still chuckle now and then to myself about the dirty dancing theme . . .

  2. Thanks Jean for the nomination. Sorry to say I have hit the same crack pipe 2 more times now. Tis’ the season for that fricken’ heavenly delight! I so appreciate you reading and really appreciate you feelin’ me on what I write.

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