“These Are Not Your Granny’s Panties”

Or……perhaps they are!   Last year I hated jeans, fat jeans, flared jeans, boot cut jeans and I especially hated that crazy fucking  bitch “Skinny Jeans”! I mean really,  where’s the Jiggly Jeans?!?

“Granny has got Your Back and Your Crack”

I bought these bad ass babies on super sonic sale, at one of my fave “dream on” boutiques”, Meka’s here in town.  I say “dream on” because I’m sure when Meka saw me walk in she was positive I was shopping for my daughter.  WRONG!  Hey a girl can dream!   I glanced around quickly, heart racing.  This happens when I walk into a really cool place and there is so much to take in.  I darted to the back room for that is where Meka stashes her sale stuff.   I quickly spied the “Miss Me” jeans with the crystal and leather skull heads on the ass.  Are you kidding me?  They were 50% off!  Now my heart really began to race as I shuffled through the neat stack of these pirate booty beauties!  I know your thinking really didn’t you say you were 45?  Yeah, bitches I may have mentioned that at some point.    Forty five  , schmortie five or one hundred and five….I didn’t give a flying fuck I was getting these fuckers!

Let me tell you,  they are called “Miss Me” for a reason.  Note they are not called “Mrs. Me”,  or in my case “You Wish You Could Fit In Me”!  I grabbed the largest size I could find.  Mind you these fancy dancies are in those European sizes so I really have no clue how that translated to American Sizes.  The number was 38.

I pulled back the black velvet curtain, stepped in and yanked her shut.  I tried to avoid any direct eye contact with the elephant in the room.  No, not me, the mirror. I’m sure Meka was thinking “Yeah Good Luck, Lady”.  Well let’s just say “Luck” was not on my side nor was she a lady.

As soon as my big toe hit the ground through the leg hole I knew this wasn’t gonna be good.  I couldn’t get those European ass holes, but 3 inches, past my knees.  That my friends was a year and a half ago.

Those precious babies have sat in the silver bag covered with black sparkly tissue paper for a year and a half.  On rainy days I would take them out, hold them and take in their beauty and dream of a day…. That day came this summer at about 14 pounds down.

Yep, I finally fit into these subtle(that’s a joke) stunners – but not without a little help from my friend. The Granny Panty – Shiny Slick version. They are like a shoehorn for my ass! I’m telling you these babies are gold! Forget Spanx – Granny Panties are the way to go – and so much cheaper! There is nothing that screams “White Trash” (even if your black, my friend) louder than your thong filled slot for all the world to see!  Put a stop to the Butt Crack Blues!  Ol’ Granny has got you covered clear up to your boobie trap strap! Sit down, squat down, bend over!  Go on Jean on your Granny – You can so count on her to cover your ass!

With Love, Laughter & Good Health Ever After ~ Suzi


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