I Did Not Eat My Sister

“It looks like I ate you”!

I said, as she handed me her phone for a closer look at the picture just snapped.  We were in Tootsies.  The world famous Nashville bar. It was last November.  We were throwing a few down before crossing the street to The CMAs (Country Music Awards).

“I Swear I did not just Spit Her Out”

What Fun!  I had planned a surprise road trip for my baby sister’s 40th.  Unfortunately our older sister could not swing – Or it would have been Thelma, Louise & Louise! (of course I’m Thelma) I picked her up on a Monday Morning after dropping the kids off at school.  I was in my home pressed “Thelma” Shirt.  You could hardly make out “T H E L M A” as it was stretched to the limit across my at the time ginormous jugs.


“There will be no driving off a cliff, although this
lovely pic of myself gives me pause” 🙂

I  gave her the custom made roadtrippen’ “Louise”  shirt and we drove off into the lovely day- break.  Free of 2 husbands, 4 dogs, 1 snake, 1 lizard, 1 horse and 5 kids!  Ahhhh sweet freedom!

I remember feeling pretty P-diddy on that trip as in “Puff Daddy”!  My fat jeans were uncomfortable.  My bazoombas were bursting out of my maximum, double D, government issued, minimizer. I was uncomfortable in everything I put on.  My face swollen.  What a rotten feeling! I was pissed I felt so puffed.  Why couldn’t i have lost some weight before this awesome trip.  It was too important not to feel my best!  When I was younger I was much better at this “destination dieting”.  If i had a spring break to make – i’d easily drop 15 – 20 pounds.  But as the years and the pounds pile on that shit don’t fly! That shit, my friend, hangs on for dear life!

I would gaze lovingly at my petite (still can’t believe we scored a petite in the family), sweet, beautiful little sister and think…… “Bitch Puhleeze”! I mean look at my head – it’s so big compared to hers – my boobs (well – I’ll take my boobs – just not those super sized uncontainable blobs ).  Part for Part she could have literally fit inside me with room for a thick layer of bubble wrap to protect her from the after shock that followed each step I took.

Thelma & Louise score passes to a record label party on CMA eve where we met Thompson Square, rubbed elbows with Jason Aldean and were treated to an intimate concert of both – plus Hunter Hayes and Randy Houser – Magical Night!

Yep, all puffed up and everywhere to go!  I may have felt puffy but it’s amazing how a few Miller Lites and a couple Sailor Jerry’s bring your swagger back and the Cowboys a callin’!  See my “Confidence – Drop it Like it’s Hot”!

“Why Hello Cowboy”

It was a road trip to remember! And – I can’t wait to do it again this year! Only this year  I hope to look at the recently snapped picture and think “Smoke ’em If You Got ‘Em – Cuz This One’s On Fire”!  Now that sounds like a new country hit….One that I’m writing and I’ll tell you, it does NOT end with me swallowing my little sister whole!


4 thoughts on “I Did Not Eat My Sister

  1. Bit** Pleaze! Not so. You are beautiful and looking awesome. So proud of this JB! But what an awesome road trip. Must do again! Let’s get moving ! Love u.

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