“I Taught I Taw Her Eat Tat”

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"I taught i taw her eat tat, and tat, and tat, and... yea, Tweet, we get the fuckin' picture"

“I taught i taw her eat tat, and tat, and tat, and… yea, Tweet, we get the fuckin’ picture”

So the bitch is back once again.  “How many times is this bitch gonna come back?” you ask.  Answer;  “As many fucking times as it takes, my friend”  When I started this crazy ass journey of detailing my crazy ass journey to finally get off the crazy ass yo-yo train  – you think I thought I would be in the very same place I started PLUS two more fuckers…one year, nine months and three days later?! Hell to the no!

I thought surely by putting my self out there for the world to see.  I could not fail.  I would not fail.  What would people think?  My family? My friends? The skinny bitches?  My colleagues, my clients,  my old boyfriends,  my old boyfriend’s current wives, all who google me out only to find this hidden treasure.  What would all the “school moms” say who have secretly been following my foul mouthed antics?

Well turns out, I didn’t factor in the fact, that I don’t give half a flying fuck what people think about me.  I did however factor in the fact that there are thousands of JBs who came here rooting for me to hit my goal before I hit the hole.  All too, in the hopes of ditching that Mother Fuckan’ Dunkan once and for all.

It is for them that this bitch comes back to take another crack, but, (lezbehonest) mostly it is for me and ultimately it is for my children.

"My Mini Me Motivation" circa. 2003  Time goes by too fast. That is why we have to do all we can to ensure our good health. I don't want to be cheated a nano second of this wonderful life.

“My Mini Me Motivation” circa 2003
Time goes by too fast. That is why this JB is going to do all I can to ensure my good health. I don’t want to be cheated a nano second of this wonderful life.

My husband? That poor bastard is hook, line and sinker no matter the jiggle in my wiggle. What makes me think this time will be different? How the fuck should I know?  I am a Jiggly Bitch after all.

With Love, Laughter & Good Health Ever After.~ Suzi

“I Just Want to Hit My Goal Before I Hit the Hole”

“Mom, how did you even get those on?”…My 10 year old son asked me sincerely, as he attempted to get a pinch of the jeans suffocating my right thigh.  He failed – as he could not separate the fabric from my skin.  He was serious, I mean he really wanted to know how the hell i pulled off such a feat.  I think he thought maybe it was some sort of magic – a trick maybe that he could use someday to impress his friends.

I laughed him off and started trickin’ myself…told him they were supposed to fit like that.  Told him they were comfortable. Told him it was the style – you know like jeggings.  I struggled to grab a pinch of fabric myself. It took three swipes before I finally got a grasp of the tiniest snap of spandex and cotton.  Truth is I was feeling like a puffer fish in a wet suit.  I hate the way those god damn jeans feel when i gain a little weight.  Ahhh, there I go trickin’ again “little“….  Let’s just say I’m not where i started when i began this psychotic task of writing and weighing but I could get there in two shakes of a twinkie with a ding dong chaser.

My good friend told me she drew a line in the sand this past Sunday.  That was it for her.  I got on the scale Monday and texted her my ass had just dug a trench!  Who’s buying what I’m lying down?  Now I wouldn’t go betting the farm….not on my ability to keep these fuckers off but you can bet I’m about to take another fucking run at it.  I’m not a fucking quitter but I am a fucking starter over(er).  50 fuckers is still the goal and I’d like to get there before my body just starts shrinking naturally from old age.  I mean who wants to see me reach my goal at 92 – the leather mini and over the knee boots just won’t have the same effect.

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No disrespect to these over the hill hotties – i just want to reach my goal before I reach the hole!

With Love & Laughter and Good Health Ever After ~ Suzi

“The Bitch is Back”

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jb bitch is back march 2013-page-0

“Look Ma, No Spanx”

Oh! She’s back alright, and she’s pissed, cuz she’s back with 6 more fuckers than when she first took a tumble off the turnip truck,  picked up speed, and then rolled off the fricken’ edge of the earth.  “Six fuckers” ? you say.  “Ahh that’s not bad”, you say “for winter wonderlands filled with cases of Miller Lite and cup cakes filled with Rum Chata”.

jb rum chata cupcakes

“I Can Have My Cake”

jb rum chata bottle beater

“And Drink it Too”

What can I say when this JB falls she falls hard!  I’ve bounced my way up and down and up the dial this winter.   The only reason I didn’t stray too far is because I knew I’d have to face you bitches sooner or later (or later and later)  when I finally hoisted this jiggly ass back on to the wagon.

I’ve been meaning to get in touch with my Jiggly Bitch self for weeks (maybe even months) now.  A ton of self talkin’ goin’ on.  “Today is the Day”.  “This is the Week, I Commit”.  Followed quickly by a big fat

“Ahhh, Fuck it”…

Well, I just told “Fuck it” to “Suck it”…

Cuz the Bitch is Back!  It is hard crawling out of the winter rut!   There is loose gravel and falling rock, mud slides, quick sand and funnel cakes (man those fuckers are  good)!

“Thelma & Lagrease” I swear Thelma was my friends!”

There is stress eating (Lucifer’s 4th grade Homework), There is Holiday “Treating” Eating (Oh it’s Thanksgiving – I’m gonna treat myself – Oh it’s Christmas I’m going to treat myself, Oh it’s Superbowl – I’m gonna treat myself – Oh I’m breathing I’m so gonna fuckin’ treat myself). Well “treat this” mother fucker!  I’m done! And – wait for it – I’m almost ready to wun!

I say “almost” cuz first things first.  I’m going to focus on my eating first and get my walk on.  Then I will have to build up to my infamous wunning.  The weather in the Lou is just about to break.  We did just get a record 11 inches of snow on Sunday.  Which allowed me to dive back into that winter cave of comfort crack and eat like it was the last supper.  Let me tell you – I made the most of it.  Double cheeseburger and large french fries, hot brownies and homemade vanilla ice cream.  Come on you know I like a big finish! I’m thankful to Mother Nature for that one last fling with disgusting fullness – It was a beautiful night that will stay with me for at least a week.

The Math:

I am 58 days from my 1 year anniversary of my precious Jiggly Bitch launch.  I am 19 fuckers down, 175 (6 fuckers up from my lowest of -25/169).   When I started this,  I of course,  thought that I was going to be down my fifty f-ers by X-mas (you get by now that i’m a bit of an optimist).  I would have a kajillion jb followers all finding their best and f-ing the rest!

I also, of course,  thought I’d be making my rounds on the talk show circuit in early January. I’d be jackin’ my jaws with the likes of  Hoda & Kathie Lee about how my book “Jiggly Bitch”  – the real skinny on getting fit and healthy was helping real women fight their fuckers and win- laughing their asses right off – authored by a real, live, honest to God Jiggly Bitch (you get by now that I’m a bit of a dreamer)   I’d take digs at that other book series that covertly marketed the vegan lifestyle  to unsuspecting chicks like me, looking to better themselves – instead we were sold a disgusting version of the meat/poultry industry that would make Hannibal Lecter wanna toss his cookies! I’m still pissed at those rat bastards for tricking me!

"Hodie Cat - I met her in the green room - I Love that JB"

“Hodie Cat – I met her in the green room – I Love that JB”

Oh yes, Hoda, Kathie Lee & I would laugh,  throw back Rum Chata shots on “Thirsty Thursday”.   “Jiggly Bitches Unite” – we would toast with our shot glasses still in the air.  I’d be such a fabulous fun guest ….”We want you as a regular”, the producer would exclaim.

Well,  I know you all know by now,  there ain’t nothin’ “regular” about this bitch!  Glad to be back!

I hope the winter was good to you & yours.

With Love, Laughter & Good Health Ever After!

~Suzi

My First Mile, Indian Style & a Big Ass Smile

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Yes,  you read it here first….(or second if your a lucky facebook fan – “fan” i use that term very loosely).  I actually put one foot in front of the other with a little bitty hop in between for a whole entire mile!  I have not run that far since that Presidential thingy they put you through in grade school in the early 80s.

A half mile in I thought no way – I can’t do this.  But my girlfriend Kruzie said i could and I would, so I did.  She knows the trail well and knew exactly where the marker was…. kind of.  “Just around the curve”, “Now just past those big trees”, “Now you see there’s the marker” “wait, oh yeah that’s it – your almost there”.  It was a beautiful Monday morning a few weeks ago.   Look at me all “It was a BEAUTIFUL MONDAY Morning”!  I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to beat the MFMs (Mother Fucking Mondays).

I used to think a beautiful Monday morning was climbing back into bed after getting the kids off to school.  It certainly wasn’t hitting a trail for a 7 mile wun (including a full on run for a mile) on a cold damp morning.  Now I can think of no better way to start my week.  Oooo gross – I’m nearly sounding like one of those bitches I used to hate.  “Oh – I just love to run”!  I get it.  I get it – i’m gagging myself here.  Let’s get this straight.  I don’t Love to run/wun.  I LOVE how I feel when it’s done.  And I love it being done first thing in the morning.  I love how my legs feel like they actually did something.  They ache just enough to feel fabulous. Ok – maybe I love to wun just a little tiny bit.

If  you do not  yet find yourself impressed by my whole fricken’ one mile RUN…  Get your jealous ass over here and listen to this.  Guess what I did last Monday night.  I was at my daughters volleyball practice.  There are no chairs to sit on or bleachers.  There is only this old time stage.  Picture it – with a big thick red velvet curtain – lovely old wooden stage.   I had run some errands and had come back to catch the last 15 minutes of her practice.  Some of the other moms were already sitting on the edge of the stage.   I eyed it and thought for a second…hmmm I may not be able to vault myself up there.  But – I did – on the first try, mind you.  Now that’s not the part that is meant to blow you away.  Wait for it.

I was watching the practice and the next thing I knew…. I was ….I was….. sitting Indian Style!  What?!  Yes, I said it.  Criss cross applesauce, pretzel legs, Indian style.  Whatever the hell you want to call it.  My legs were tied up like a perfect little bow on a sweet young virgin –  like they did it all the time!  No pain.  No strain – just all tangled up and loving it!   I began staring in amazement and lightly rubbing my thighs.  “Are you Ok?” – a friend next to be asked.  I explained I had not sat this way since since the 1960’s and I was just enjoying the moment – now if she could just please shut up and leave me be.

It’s the little things my friends that you gain by  losing the  fuckers.   I’m bouncing between 21 and 24 fuckers down. I need to buck up and hit it pretty seriously to get to my 50 fuckers to fab goal.  Truth is I’m feeling pretty fabulous already.  Think how many little things are going to wow me when I get there.  Think how good you’ll feel when you get there.  Together we will get there – one foot in front of the other with a little bounce in between.

The little thing that I love the most – is just putting something on to go out and not changing 100 times cuz I feel like Shrek.  Nope, now I feel like Fiona – and most days it’s even the Fiona before she is turned into an ogre.  Now that’s cause for a smile! A big ass, first mile, Indian style kind of smile!

Fiona 24 Down – No Ogre to be Found!