“Look Ma, No Spanx”
Oh! She’s back alright, and she’s pissed, cuz she’s back with 6 more fuckers than when she first took a tumble off the turnip truck, picked up speed, and then rolled off the fricken’ edge of the earth. “Six fuckers” ? you say. “Ahh that’s not bad”, you say “for winter wonderlands filled with cases of Miller Lite and cup cakes filled with Rum Chata”.
“I Can Have My Cake”
“And Drink it Too”
What can I say when this JB falls she falls hard! I’ve bounced my way up and down and up the dial this winter. The only reason I didn’t stray too far is because I knew I’d have to face you bitches sooner or later (or later and later) when I finally hoisted this jiggly ass back on to the wagon.
I’ve been meaning to get in touch with my Jiggly Bitch self for weeks (maybe even months) now. A ton of self talkin’ goin’ on. “Today is the Day”. “This is the Week, I Commit”. Followed quickly by a big fat
“Ahhh, Fuck it”…
Well, I just told “Fuck it” to “Suck it”…
Cuz the Bitch is Back! It is hard crawling out of the winter rut! There is loose gravel and falling rock, mud slides, quick sand and funnel cakes (man those fuckers are good)!
“Thelma & Lagrease” I swear Thelma was my friends!”
There is stress eating (Lucifer’s 4th grade Homework), There is Holiday “Treating” Eating (Oh it’s Thanksgiving – I’m gonna treat myself – Oh it’s Christmas I’m going to treat myself, Oh it’s Superbowl – I’m gonna treat myself – Oh I’m breathing I’m so gonna fuckin’ treat myself). Well “treat this” mother fucker! I’m done! And – wait for it – I’m almost ready to wun!
I say “almost” cuz first things first. I’m going to focus on my eating first and get my walk on. Then I will have to build up to my infamous wunning. The weather in the Lou is just about to break. We did just get a record 11 inches of snow on Sunday. Which allowed me to dive back into that winter cave of comfort crack and eat like it was the last supper. Let me tell you – I made the most of it. Double cheeseburger and large french fries, hot brownies and homemade vanilla ice cream. Come on you know I like a big finish! I’m thankful to Mother Nature for that one last fling with disgusting fullness – It was a beautiful night that will stay with me for at least a week.
I am 58 days from my 1 year anniversary of my precious Jiggly Bitch launch. I am 19 fuckers down, 175 (6 fuckers up from my lowest of -25/169). When I started this, I of course, thought that I was going to be down my fifty f-ers by X-mas (you get by now that i’m a bit of an optimist). I would have a kajillion jb followers all finding their best and f-ing the rest!
I also, of course, thought I’d be making my rounds on the talk show circuit in early January. I’d be jackin’ my jaws with the likes of Hoda & Kathie Lee about how my book “Jiggly Bitch” – the real skinny on getting fit and healthy was helping real women fight their fuckers and win- laughing their asses right off – authored by a real, live, honest to God Jiggly Bitch (you get by now that I’m a bit of a dreamer) I’d take digs at that other book series that covertly marketed the vegan lifestyle to unsuspecting chicks like me, looking to better themselves – instead we were sold a disgusting version of the meat/poultry industry that would make Hannibal Lecter wanna toss his cookies! I’m still pissed at those rat bastards for tricking me!
“Hodie Cat – I met her in the green room – I Love that JB”
Oh yes, Hoda, Kathie Lee & I would laugh, throw back Rum Chata shots on “Thirsty Thursday”. “Jiggly Bitches Unite” – we would toast with our shot glasses still in the air. I’d be such a fabulous fun guest ….”We want you as a regular”, the producer would exclaim.
Well, I know you all know by now, there ain’t nothin’ “regular” about this bitch! Glad to be back!
I hope the winter was good to you & yours.
With Love, Laughter & Good Health Ever After!